E3 Arriveth: 0 Hour

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If it’s something that can be stopped, then just try to stop it!

E3 Approacheth: 24 Hours Remain

I wish I had more time, I really do.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

In case you are just joining us, I’ve been following the lead up to E3 with a more intimate approach than my usual operation, with my own personal exposition and how I am dealing with the event as opposed to the games themselves. As you might have surmised with me comparing the event to an impending apocalypse, things feel dire. Feel is the key word there, as E3 does represent the end all be all for me, but in a marvelous way,  and has for some time. As any gamer who’s been around the virtual block will tell you, it’s kind of a big deal.

People Know It

While the event is still big, I’m not feeling as big as I normally do, as has been discussed very recently. In my constant bouts of mania preceding this monumental occasion, I’ve been less big and more this:

Trapped…(In A Glass Case Of Emotion)

At least at times anyways. Mania is a wild horse, a mental state bucking and bronking until you’re completely thrown off due to the rough nature of the harsh ride. I know this may sound odd coming from someone who’s made it their goal to attend this event and is about to do so, but recent days have left me torn and tattered, and my own internal struggle to accept who I am vs what I’m actually about to do has made things a bit fucking crazy.

For All You Visual Learners Out There

At the beginning of this post, I did mention about wishing I had more time. That was more literal of a declaration than you may have imagined, as it’s 3 in the morning as I type this. I work tomorrow (at my regular boring non-video game related job), get on my flight shortly after, and will be in LA immediately following. Needless to say, I really am just about out of time, and even sacrificing sleep just to tell you about what I don’t have left. I didn’t mean that to sound like I was fishing for sympathy, which was certainly not the goal. There is a sense of adrenaline about all of this, and one I’m starting to assimilate with entirely. The internal debate with myself and the nervousness that fuels it, is being rapidly overtaken by the realization that I do not have the luxury of being uncertain, hesitant or shy at this very moment.

What is important, is the fantastic, the sublime, and the reason of the season. E3 is just about here.I am fully aware of it’s might, and I know what kind of power is trying to draw me in…

But That Doesn’t Mean I’m Not Going To Try And Defy It Regardless

I’d say I envisioned this moment differently, but I think I realize, and frighteningly so, I didn’t actually envision this moment at all…which is quite bizarre, all things considered. An event that meant so much to me, year in and year out, a grand happening that spurred me forward, normally retaining more value in my eyes than any other major holiday ever could. The bizarre idea that E3, possibly one of the biggest catalysts that got me into games writing in the first place, never materialized in my mind beyond the mere idea of being present during it’s existence.

As mentioned: bizarre, and I believe there’s more to this thought than I think I even have time to ponder (currently), but one I will definitely have to return to when time normalizes. My quick off the cuff assessment about this odd reality where dreams can sometimes be dangerously rhetorical, leads me to believe that while those dreams have value, I’m inclined to say that some of the best ones should be literal, too, helping to create a future that is almost palpable to the senses. Opposed to the alternative, where your dreams are so dreamy, you don’t even know if your dreams are too dreamy to become real outside the dream itself.

Not Sure If Referencing Inception Or Just Tired

tl;dr: I may have had trouble grasping the reality of going to E3, because I was always so content with just believing in the fantasy.

What ever the case may be, I expected some kind of heart felt retrospective or nostalgic gush at last minute in explaining younger me’s journey to E3, but that may have just been the only part of the dream I could ever figure out. Now that the dream is here, there’s no point in fantasizing about it any longer, just enough time to make some old fantasies into new realities. I’ve traveled a great distance, not just space mind you, but journeyed far over a vast volume of time itself to arrive at this point, and having my head in the clouds would do a disservice to me, my efforts and the reality in front of me, the dream of this event an asset I no longer have any need of.

E3 represents a turning point for me, a very real destination after a long journey. I’ve buried the doubt, covered the critic, and put aside my asinine questions of how else it could have been done. I realize now is not the time to ask if I really could have “done it better”, arrived here “faster”, or if I’m “at my best”. No matter how much I could think about those things, I would simply ask for more in an endless debate with myself, with my own worst enemy, and forget what E3 is really suppose to be all about: having fun. The point isn’t that I did it weirdly or poorly or barely at all. The simple fact of the matter is I did finally do it, after everything was said and done.

And now that it’s here, it’s time to have fun.

~Pash

E3 Approacheth: 48 Hours Remain

Yesterday, I finally came clean with the truth of the matter, in regards to my own inner monologue involving E3.

I’m deeply confused. How confused you may ask?

Let’s Say Funky Forest Confused

As was evident in my last post, I was having a hard time explaining myself, or at least struggling to say anything beyond struggling to say anything. What I was really trying to get at, in a not so succinct manner using the parlance of our times was HOLY SHIT…more or less. Not very professional, I am aware, but this is the unabashed truth of the matter. I know I took a lot of paragraphs to say “I don’t know what to say”, but If I didn’t start warming myself up then on what I should say when the time comes, I really will end up having nothing to say at all. Put simply; shocked speechless.

Which, You Know, Can Be Interesting

I thought long and hard today about what I could say in explaining myself a little more clearly. You’ll be happy to know I certainly did come up with a few little gems of explanation. I immediately lost them soon after however, so this is really a good news bad news scenario. I reference at this convenient point that age old adage stating we are our own worst critics, or at least anyone aware enough of themselves vs a standard. Everything is subjective of course, but I suppose the realm of criticism couldn’t exist without this fact. This brings us to yesterday, when I belligerently stumbled my way through an entire post, knowing full well how little time I had, and the amount of cohesive thought that went along with it. Sometimes, no matter how unprepared something is, you just gotta ship it.

Even if You Totally Don’t Have An Ending

So yes, all of this leaves us at about a couple of days away from the biggest event of my life…

And There’s Just No Stopping It

Not that I would want to prevent E3’s collision course, though I do feel as if one can never really know how best to fight a celestial body, of which I classify E3 as here and now. I wish I was more prepared for this, though the time I’ve had in knowing I was going to the event,  all the way to and including this point was most certainly time I could have spared. As mentioned, life has a darkly funny nature of getting in the way. You’re left questioning, wondering, sometimes mindless in the face of it’s cruelty. I will save you the finer details of how this figured into my every day, but it did cause me enough of a miserable distraction that somehow, a celestial body did in fact sneak up on me. I fancy myself something stealthy, but that kind of sneaking is in a whole new realm of insane bullshit.

This Guy Knows What I’m Talking About

Still, E3 is right around the corner and I’m left scurrying about trying to get everything in order. I’m rhetorically debating with myself whether or not I ever could have been ready for E3, regardless of the amount of time I spent focusing on it, so it may be a moot point. I know as I write this and you read this, there’s an eagerness to talk about the games. Which ones are rumored, which ones will be delayed, which ones will be the sexiest of them all according to the mirror on the wall. I have some serious suspicions I’m not even fully aware of the answers at this point, but my aim is just and my presence accounted for. If nothing else, the tone of today’s writing vs yesterday’s should have a more compelling air of confidence about it, with every step forward acting as proof of courage in the face of fear.

Being compelled to move forward, excitedly on the outside, due to the glory of what E3 really represents, which is usually this:

OHHH!

Though I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you on the inside, I’m really more like this:

LISTEN TO ME!

Fighting with oneself is a losing battle, at the end of the day, though I have had little choice in avoiding this turbulent point of ingress, as I stubbornly don’t listen.

This mixture of intense emotion and chaotic energy is leaving me battling with that harsh critic within. Yesterday, I wasn’t so sure about anything at all, despite being on the door steps of success. As I ready myself to look upon the hallowed halls of gaming glory, I’m left trying to tame the doubt that remains. I’m digging deep to pull up the energy and passion my long past self would have expelled instantaneously, and present day me still absolutely possesses, despite noisy internal conflict. I have to remind myself that from time to time, thinking is not relevant. Right now, at least in a certain sense, it’s not about the history of it, the politics, the philosophy, the ideas, concepts or theories surrounding it. The moment approaching is not about the before or after, it’s merely about the now. Very soon, now will be the time for E3, and it won’t matter how much I’ve thought about the very moment.

All that will matter is that I act upon it.

~Pash

E3 Approacheth: 72 Hours Remain

Firstly, let me start off by saying the obvious.

Actually, I realize the name of the article has already done that, so I’ll go with the second most obvious.

Elton John picture inbound.

You Knew It was Coming

The Elton pic is a bit of a non-sequitor compared to the last two, but I really didn’t know how else to start off this post. In fact, this line of thought is largely a spray and pray effort all together, as I brace myself for the oncoming battle many have come to know as E3. Somehow and surprisingly, I failed to mention my confirmation that I was going to E3 on ATE at all, which is astounding, to put it lightly. One of the very reasons Active Time Event was even put into motion was as a means to an end, this very end (point in fact), and one I’m about to reach in a few days time.

A Sense Of Foreboding Hangs In The Air

So where have I been? While I could cite my editors gig on Gamersyndrome as taking up a chunk of my time, anyone who would bother to check would realize I’ve been woefully quiet in the past…two months really. Very few articles to speak of, compared to my normal work load, which is offensive when considering E3 is basically Christmas for gamers. Last year, I was writing for ATE, Gotgame and Gamersyndrome, pushing myself to the limits in providing as much coverage as humanly possible regarding the lead up to the show (and then the show itself). I even wrote a very bizarre piece involving a several part non-review of Animal Crossing, which made the work load even heavier (and odder). I mention this all as an absurd aside, as I wasn’t even going to E3 last year despite my constant blood letting in covering the event, which was still a pipe dream in the making.

Random Plug For Retro Game

But, I digress. I didn’t fully answer the question I posed: Where I’ve been. The answer is simple, though not exactly inspiring. I mean to say, and sadly so…I’ve been no where, at least no where I should have been. Not looking at endless screens of E3 hype, not busy writing out my own speculation involving the inevitable bounties the show will provide, and not killing myself trying to become a master of a domain I seek to conquer. No, the sad truth of the matter is that I didn’t end up reacting the way I always figured I would to this grand eventuality. Whether rationale or not, I’ve been largely beside myself, confused and most certainly in a state of chaos. Trying to find the energy to write, pondering my relationship to games and my general sense of being through and through.

Been A Bit Of A Mind Trip, Let’s Say

Probably not the exciting hype machine you wanted, and I sympathize with you dearly in your disappointment with me . As has been mentioned previously and can be cited historically (many times over I may add), I’ve always been stoked, psyched and completely excited for these paradigm shifts in gaming information. Observing the culture always entertains me, satiates me, each massive out pour of juicy information holding me over for the next big feast. E3, the biggest meal of them all, leaving me full and stuffed without effort. I only need look back at a number of journals and word documents I’ve written, detailing past expos’ I’ve watched from afar with great fervor, in reminding myself of the delicacy they represented. Endless documents proving my excitement, from a distance, talking about the event as If I was already there, even if only in spirit.

Why then, when I’ve been guaranteed success and am about to claim my long sought prize, do I falter and waver in the face of confusion? I’m not entirely sure, which makes sense, hence the confusion. I could mention a few events in the past six months that have most certainly contributed to an underlying sense of misery and distraction, though something as monumental as going to E3 should override all of that, bringing out energy that no amount of negativity could ever suffocate.

Reality Has A Tendency To Prove Me Wrong

Which is something I’m trying to keep in mind moving forward, something I have to keep in mind moving forward. I’m not even sure how I’m going to effectively cover the event, with very basic means and an overwhelming sense of overwhelmed senses, but rest assured, I’ll try my damnedest to. You may think this post is a little raw, and you’d be right. I don’t normally go on about myself at such great lengths without hiding behind the games as the relevant point of interest. The games, the very reasons I’m here, the things above all else that are worthy of y time and thought. Due to my own internal state of severe irrationality however, the impending storm I’m not quite ready for, and the magnitude of importance it all represents, I’m trying my best to not be without words…

…because when I’m finally at E3 and barely comprehend what it all means, it will be a tall task not to be speechless entirely.

~Pash