Yesterday, I finally came clean with the truth of the matter, in regards to my own inner monologue involving E3.
I’m deeply confused. How confused you may ask?
As was evident in my last post, I was having a hard time explaining myself, or at least struggling to say anything beyond struggling to say anything. What I was really trying to get at, in a not so succinct manner using the parlance of our times was HOLY SHIT…more or less. Not very professional, I am aware, but this is the unabashed truth of the matter. I know I took a lot of paragraphs to say “I don’t know what to say”, but If I didn’t start warming myself up then on what I should say when the time comes, I really will end up having nothing to say at all. Put simply; shocked speechless.
I thought long and hard today about what I could say in explaining myself a little more clearly. You’ll be happy to know I certainly did come up with a few little gems of explanation. I immediately lost them soon after however, so this is really a good news bad news scenario. I reference at this convenient point that age old adage stating we are our own worst critics, or at least anyone aware enough of themselves vs a standard. Everything is subjective of course, but I suppose the realm of criticism couldn’t exist without this fact. This brings us to yesterday, when I belligerently stumbled my way through an entire post, knowing full well how little time I had, and the amount of cohesive thought that went along with it. Sometimes, no matter how unprepared something is, you just gotta ship it.
So yes, all of this leaves us at about a couple of days away from the biggest event of my life…
Not that I would want to prevent E3’s collision course, though I do feel as if one can never really know how best to fight a celestial body, of which I classify E3 as here and now. I wish I was more prepared for this, though the time I’ve had in knowing I was going to the event, all the way to and including this point was most certainly time I could have spared. As mentioned, life has a darkly funny nature of getting in the way. You’re left questioning, wondering, sometimes mindless in the face of it’s cruelty. I will save you the finer details of how this figured into my every day, but it did cause me enough of a miserable distraction that somehow, a celestial body did in fact sneak up on me. I fancy myself something stealthy, but that kind of sneaking is in a whole new realm of insane bullshit.
Still, E3 is right around the corner and I’m left scurrying about trying to get everything in order. I’m rhetorically debating with myself whether or not I ever could have been ready for E3, regardless of the amount of time I spent focusing on it, so it may be a moot point. I know as I write this and you read this, there’s an eagerness to talk about the games. Which ones are rumored, which ones will be delayed, which ones will be the sexiest of them all according to the mirror on the wall. I have some serious suspicions I’m not even fully aware of the answers at this point, but my aim is just and my presence accounted for. If nothing else, the tone of today’s writing vs yesterday’s should have a more compelling air of confidence about it, with every step forward acting as proof of courage in the face of fear.
Being compelled to move forward, excitedly on the outside, due to the glory of what E3 really represents, which is usually this:
Though I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you on the inside, I’m really more like this:
Fighting with oneself is a losing battle, at the end of the day, though I have had little choice in avoiding this turbulent point of ingress, as I stubbornly don’t listen.
This mixture of intense emotion and chaotic energy is leaving me battling with that harsh critic within. Yesterday, I wasn’t so sure about anything at all, despite being on the door steps of success. As I ready myself to look upon the hallowed halls of gaming glory, I’m left trying to tame the doubt that remains. I’m digging deep to pull up the energy and passion my long past self would have expelled instantaneously, and present day me still absolutely possesses, despite noisy internal conflict. I have to remind myself that from time to time, thinking is not relevant. Right now, at least in a certain sense, it’s not about the history of it, the politics, the philosophy, the ideas, concepts or theories surrounding it. The moment approaching is not about the before or after, it’s merely about the now. Very soon, now will be the time for E3, and it won’t matter how much I’ve thought about the very moment.
All that will matter is that I act upon it.