I wish I had more time, I really do.
In case you are just joining us, I’ve been following the lead up to E3 with a more intimate approach than my usual operation, with my own personal exposition and how I am dealing with the event as opposed to the games themselves. As you might have surmised with me comparing the event to an impending apocalypse, things feel dire. Feel is the key word there, as E3 does represent the end all be all for me, but in a marvelous way, and has for some time. As any gamer who’s been around the virtual block will tell you, it’s kind of a big deal.
While the event is still big, I’m not feeling as big as I normally do, as has been discussed very recently. In my constant bouts of mania preceding this monumental occasion, I’ve been less big and more this:
At least at times anyways. Mania is a wild horse, a mental state bucking and bronking until you’re completely thrown off due to the rough nature of the harsh ride. I know this may sound odd coming from someone who’s made it their goal to attend this event and is about to do so, but recent days have left me torn and tattered, and my own internal struggle to accept who I am vs what I’m actually about to do has made things a bit fucking crazy.
At the beginning of this post, I did mention about wishing I had more time. That was more literal of a declaration than you may have imagined, as it’s 3 in the morning as I type this. I work tomorrow (at my regular boring non-video game related job), get on my flight shortly after, and will be in LA immediately following. Needless to say, I really am just about out of time, and even sacrificing sleep just to tell you about what I don’t have left. I didn’t mean that to sound like I was fishing for sympathy, which was certainly not the goal. There is a sense of adrenaline about all of this, and one I’m starting to assimilate with entirely. The internal debate with myself and the nervousness that fuels it, is being rapidly overtaken by the realization that I do not have the luxury of being uncertain, hesitant or shy at this very moment.
What is important, is the fantastic, the sublime, and the reason of the season. E3 is just about here.I am fully aware of it’s might, and I know what kind of power is trying to draw me in…
I’d say I envisioned this moment differently, but I think I realize, and frighteningly so, I didn’t actually envision this moment at all…which is quite bizarre, all things considered. An event that meant so much to me, year in and year out, a grand happening that spurred me forward, normally retaining more value in my eyes than any other major holiday ever could. The bizarre idea that E3, possibly one of the biggest catalysts that got me into games writing in the first place, never materialized in my mind beyond the mere idea of being present during it’s existence.
As mentioned: bizarre, and I believe there’s more to this thought than I think I even have time to ponder (currently), but one I will definitely have to return to when time normalizes. My quick off the cuff assessment about this odd reality where dreams can sometimes be dangerously rhetorical, leads me to believe that while those dreams have value, I’m inclined to say that some of the best ones should be literal, too, helping to create a future that is almost palpable to the senses. Opposed to the alternative, where your dreams are so dreamy, you don’t even know if your dreams are too dreamy to become real outside the dream itself.
tl;dr: I may have had trouble grasping the reality of going to E3, because I was always so content with just believing in the fantasy.
What ever the case may be, I expected some kind of heart felt retrospective or nostalgic gush at last minute in explaining younger me’s journey to E3, but that may have just been the only part of the dream I could ever figure out. Now that the dream is here, there’s no point in fantasizing about it any longer, just enough time to make some old fantasies into new realities. I’ve traveled a great distance, not just space mind you, but journeyed far over a vast volume of time itself to arrive at this point, and having my head in the clouds would do a disservice to me, my efforts and the reality in front of me, the dream of this event an asset I no longer have any need of.
E3 represents a turning point for me, a very real destination after a long journey. I’ve buried the doubt, covered the critic, and put aside my asinine questions of how else it could have been done. I realize now is not the time to ask if I really could have “done it better”, arrived here “faster”, or if I’m “at my best”. No matter how much I could think about those things, I would simply ask for more in an endless debate with myself, with my own worst enemy, and forget what E3 is really suppose to be all about: having fun. The point isn’t that I did it weirdly or poorly or barely at all. The simple fact of the matter is I did finally do it, after everything was said and done.
And now that it’s here, it’s time to have fun.