Good Pipe in the Moonlight

We often seek counsel from those whose advice we subconsciously know we’d prefer.


Probably goes a long way in explaining why my
love of Conker and my general life philosophies are
in equal parts aligned and most certainly fucking
absurd

I’m sure examining that axiom more deeply is worthy of continued reflection, and hell, may even be worthy of it’s own article, but like most points I make on ATE, I refuse to elaborate on them in any satisfying or timely manner. Within that spirit, I take this moment now to mention I’m glad I finally got to start writing my series about Rare Replay, as it’s been on the brain for awhile. Rare as a company has delivered a treasure trove of material over the years, so that single compilation alone will be an absolute wellspring of enjoyable content to wax philosophical upon, as the game is filled to the brim with top notch content, and one can’t even really go wrong with nearly any title in the bunch.


Nearly

More on that down the road, and one we are even more immediately detouring from than I initially planned on, as today I was continuing to eye (in a matter of speaking) a satellite of related interests involving Rare’s offerings, but I stumbled upon the confirmation of a random oddity that turned out not to be a fevered dream after all. In celebration of Mar10 Day, (March 10th), Nintendo usually puts a spotlight on their favorite cash cow, in which to milk him further of his sweet capitalistic juices. In spite of my cynical mention of the whole affair, the events year in and year out usually do take the form of some fun events, whether they be in-game what-have-yous, or legitimate celebrations involving easter egg hunts that can score one some sweet swag. Though I’m not yet familiar with all of Nintendo’s machinations in reference to festivities entailing the celebration of Mario Day this year, I do know of one, which is starting today in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, and one that can score you some sweet virtual currency that can be used for real life rewards***.


***Dead CEO’s not included

If you log into MK8D, Nintendo has up a special tournament dedicated specifically for a special community event in honor of Mario Day, the event running from today through the 17th in honor of the mustachioed bastard, and the goal is for the collective conglomerate of MK players to race an accumulative one million laps within that time frame. If achieved, every racer who helped out will receive 310 platinum points, which can be redeemed for all sorts of awesome things. Of course, any one player only needs to finish a single lap to contribute towards the grand total, but any laps the player races in that time will be added to the bottom line. Obviously, one will need Nintendo online and a My Nintendo account to claim the coins, *and* be sure to specifically enter the code 1152-2501-4827 under the tournaments tabs in MK8D in order to log the laps, but with all the said, if you burn some rubber in honor of the old plumber’s 40th anniversary, you will reap rewards thusly.


Possibly a blue shell enema in the process, but
at least it’s a worthwhile pain in the ass

Drift on my little koopas.

~Pashford

A Little Bit Of The Old Ultra Violence

It’s not all gloom and doom in the world of gaming…


We could live in the timeline where we didn’t get Katamari

I will put you at ease with what could be considered a possible tease, as I do not come bearing gifts of news of a new Katamari title, though as great as the series was, I don’t know if it ever had any legs as a franchise. The original creator (Keita Takahashi) was famously not interested in playing video games, so I imagine his sentiments of anything in the world of traditional within the medium, let alone making a franchise out of a medium he doesn’t even prefer, was quite likely. We got Katamari ReRoll a little while back, and taking some moments to be reminded of the insanity that was definitely did me a wonder.


Dat soundtrack, though

Didn’t really feel like doing any heavy lifting today, as there are a number of grand topics I could have focused on, but so many I won’t, because reasons? I was quite charmed when I realized I was late to the party in realizing Nintendo had released a version of their N64 app with a MATURE 17+ version, I guess in an attempt to impress the Tipper Gores of the world still kicking about? I’m really not sure if there is any regulatory reasons the big N needed to do so, aside from some internal patting themselves on the backs about “making gaming safer for kids”, or some such nonsense.


How I imagine Nintendo felt “childproofing” their digital library

I already figured there was basically going to be next to nothing available, cause that’s just, you know, kind of how the N64 library rolls anyways, and in terms of quantity available , indeed there was little. The only two titles available to play currently are Turok and Perfect Dark, which admittedly, are both solid to awesome titles, respectively, so it’s not all for moot. What’s bizarre however, is that I had already downloaded a version of Turok on the Switch years prior to this, so really all I was looking at here was Perfect Dark. Don’t get me wrong: quality title, but I more or less re-100% the title on Rare Replay at some point in the past decade, which to my old ass, equates to “some time in the last week”, so I wasn’t sure I even wanted to take another crack at the game so soon. The memories of replaying Goldeneye on Switch online, both with busted ass controls, a broken ass pro controller, and bastard ass levels of difficulty did nothing to assuage my trepidation in diving back into the fray.


YOU’RE A BROKE ASS, GOLDENEYE!

No screenshot taken will ever really do true justice to just how dated Goldeneye feels these days. In any case, with the N64 MATURE 17+ version of their emulation app, I was trying to remember if there would be many more than a couple dozen games max that would qualify for release, and after a quick google search, the number turned out to be 28 to be exact, some of which would likely get caught in licensing hell and never see the light of day, like ECW or the South Park Games. Though, why anyone would go through the trouble of spending any length of time at all porting something like Daikatana when there are so many top shelf shooters available from the 90’s available is far beyond me.


Time makes fools of us all, Romero

Honestly, just based on Nintendo playing nice with Microsoft to get some of their old Rare catalogue back was probably worth the justification of the N64 MATURE 17+ version of the app, as they would no doubt eventually reacquire Conker’s Bad Fur Day, both a seminal N64 title, and a ridiculously explicit one at that.


Hell, Rare even had to censor the Xbox “remake” a few years
later on the Xbox for Christ’s sake

Obviously, they already have Perfect Dark in the mix, so the justification has already begun, but I imagine the little vulgar-mouthed red squirrel isn’t far behind. I think Resident Evil 2 would be at the top of everyone’s list as well, as the game itself is top tier, and the N64 port is heralded as some kind of modern testament to technologically based wizardry in what the developer Silicon Knights was able to pull off in order to compress the game as much as they did while losing very little of the original quality or content in the process.


Before Leon went international with the whole Real Police Dude thing

Any of the other Turok titles would obviously also be a big boon, even though the games are already available on the system, though I guess Nintendo including them in NSO would make them free…how does that conflict of interest even work, I wonder? Same goes for Doom 64, another underrated classic that’s already purchasable on the Switch, but free is always the way to be. You could thrown Hexen and some MK games in the mix, but most of the other titles available would likely be considered too random or forgotten, inspite of me being able to make a case for quite a few of them, like Nightmare Creatures, Carmaggedon 2 and Duke Nukem 3D. Duke may have become a joke down the road, but 3D played fantastically.


*Facepalms* Nevermind: I take back anything positive I just said
What the ever loving fuck was wrong with advertisers in the god damn 90’s?!?

Whether the N64 MATURE 17+ app really sees any support and wasn’t just solely aimed at facilitating safely housing Rare’s more volatile titles remains to be seen, but it sure would be cool if Nintendo decided to trot out the few M rated games they had at their disposal to sweeten the deal, but I think we are all likely to be doing our best recreations of Oliver Twist to daddy Nintendo in no time with the offers available down the road.


Nintendo always twisting
our arms with meager offerings

Ironically, part of the reasons I wanted to write about this today was because I thought it would be a quick, short write up, that would allow more time for me to game, and now I realize I’ve traveled down the road to avoid the very fate I sought to, Oedipus style. So in the name of stopping myself from becoming a true a mother fucker in the realm of wildly obtuse writing references, I will cease and desist in my bizarrely brazen ways, and seize destiny another day…

…err, you get my point. Till next time.

~Pashford

The Ultimate Choice

Hey Gamers,

Don’t get too excited about the foreboding article name, there’s really no choice to begin with.

I am of course referring to the choice between sex and violence.

Many choose not to debate whatsoever.

That last punchline may have been quite misleading, as the special edition of Dead Island inspired nothing but debate. I should have gone with something a little more fan approved in the realm of sexy or violent, such as Dead or Alive, or Metal Gear Solid 5, or Tomb Raider, Or Mass Effect, or any Fighting Game for that matter…

The list is actually pretty fucking endless.

While I continue to fight on the side of equality, this post really isn’t about what’s right and what’s not, and is more about just questioning what “right” is. I think everyone can agree, sex rocks, no doubt. On a fictional level, violence can be entertaining as hell. I think that video games just have a way of using either as a crutch, instead of an inspiration or underlying message. I don’t expect all of my media to be so forward minded about itself, but I suppose that might be half the problem.

Pictured: The Other Half.

The age old problem of paring business with art is one that’s been discussed a million times over, and one I’ve pondered about in the recent past. The whole “is sex and violence destroying our society” question, when correlated with media, always seem like it isn’t going deep enough for me. While I think most reasonable people, would favor sex over violence any day of the week, I don’t think either is wholly good or bad. It’s presence in media is often abused, and used as a way to reach such a mass of people, as they are such understandable subjects with a broad appeal.

As mentioned, sex or violence in many contexts, have time and place, and aren’t necessarily abhorrent…until you factor in the other half of the problem. The one that may make the examination of which is worse, sex or violence, this “ultimate choice”, irrelevant to begin with.

The only real choice.

Video games are business after all, and at least in their realm, asking whether sex or violence is worse, is a pointless question. The ultimate choice one has to make, at least when boiled down to the basic of capitalism and commerce, isn’t which is worse.

It’s about which one is going to make me more money?

For those involved with business, the ultimate choice swiftly becomes rhetorical.

~Pashford