Talking Shit About Video Games

In other news…

I have this worried feeling that Crytek may actually be on to something, here. Something insane. As in, this is an insanely fucking stupid sentiment and it doesn’t need to exist. I’m wondering if other forms of media ever had this misguided sentiment of including more people?

Seen Here: Early attempts at trying to make book reading an interactive “multiplayer” experience.

Seen Here: Early attempts at trying to make book reading an interactive “multiplayer” experience.

This kind of nonsense is nothing new. I remember a time when Nintendo’s former President, Hiroshi Yamauchi, made remarks with similar sentiments. Referring to RPG players as “depressed gamers who like to sit alone in their dark rooms and play slow games”. Not sure if Mr. Yamauchi got the memo that Nintendo had not yet developed The Legend of Zelda: Quest for the Massive Orgy.

To this day we wait to see what could have been.

I’m guessing the game would be a lot like this, but with way more elf sex.

I’m guessing the game would be a lot like this, but with way more elf sex.

Mr.Yamauchi’s zingers don’t stop there, as he later went on to say Microsoft doesn’t know anything about games, and that gamers weren’t interested in “higher quality graphics and sounds.”

Video Gamers: “Not Interested”

Video Gamers: “Not Interested”

Of course, the list of gaffe’s and linguistic majesty go on and on.

“The reviews on Shadowrun suck my ass.” ~Mitch Gitelman (FASA Studios, Shadowrun Developer)

“You know, things break”~Peter Moore on the $1,000,000,000 loss involving Xbox 360 failure rates.

“The PS2 is historic, a mass-market appliance that fundamentally changes society in the way the printing press did.”~ Trip Hawkins smoking crack.

These  are just a few of the gems, with me ignoring a great deal of the bullshit hype lines used by out of touch company execs. The ones so desperate to hawk their wares, they make you think their game system will shit gold and give blow jobs. Considering the massive pile of verbal horse shit involved with pre-game launch absurdity, I actually could have done an entire article on what an ass talker Kaz Hirai is (Sony President) without any effort.

Pictured: Kaz Hirai bragging about the user install base for the Playstation Vita.

Pictured: Kaz Hirai bragging about the user install base for the Playstation Vita.

Keep in mind, I’ve only mentioned the “professionals” who are directly involved with the video game industry. When we start to dive into the pop culture realm and beyond, we have a gold mine of entertainment. There are those who comment on video games who are so far outside the idiom, that they think Pokemon is a gay porn involving two Rastafarians having anal sex.

Jeff Keighley gets really confused when the woman brings up Pikachu.

Jeff Keighley gets really confused when the woman brings up Pikachu.

The quotes from those outside of the game loop are sure to thrill, and put the regular industry vets to shame. From the NRA decrying video games as evil, after putting out several themselves as promotional tools, to authors who out rightly declare a correlation between video game popularity and rape, you’ll never need another laxative again, with such an abundance of source material that will have you shitting your pants with laughter.

My main suggestion to anyone who wants to make a point about video games: Don’t, save yourself the time of looking like a fuck up. If you absolutely need to say something, having some kind of business obligation to do so, just ask yourself this one simple question. Ask yourself “Have I ingested large amounts of Mercury today?“ If the answer to that question was no, good! You’re half way there to saying something possibly intelligible about video games!

Seen Here: One man who has never stopped and asked himself  the Mercury Question.

Seen Here: One man who has never stopped and asked himself the Mercury Question.

Of course, some of the truly lost souls of our world, mercury consumption or not, will just never get it right about video games. Others, are self-destructive enough to take care of them selves, and be a laugh a minute they exist within out little lives. My last point of contention in this regard, is take heed with your ignorance, and those you aim it at. For example, if you want to assault video games, but you know less about Grand Theft Auto than you do about your only holy doctrine, the one that singularly dictates your entire reason of existence…

I’m wondering if God really had you in mind as his “go to martyr”.

“The Bible doesn’t promote killing innocent people, Grand Theft Auto does.”~ Jack Thompson, sometime before a Florida Judge disbarred him for wasting the states time, by talking too much shit about video games.

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